Archive for the ‘Funnies’ Category

We’ve all heard the “official conspiracy theory” of the Death Star attack

March 24, 2007

Emperor Palpatine fails to act after being informed of the attack



Uncomfortable Questions: Was the Death Star Attack an Inside Job?

Websurdity Link: This article was inspired by the fine users at the James Randi Educational Foundation (JREF) Forum, to whom I am indebted for the use of much of this material.

We’ve all heard the “official conspiracy theory” of the Death Star attack. We all know about Luke Skywalker and his ragtag bunch of rebels, how they mounted a foolhardy attack on the most powerful, well-defended battle station ever built. And we’ve all seen the video over, and over, and over, of the one-in-a-million shot that resulted in a massive chain reaction that not just damaged, but completely obliterated that massive technological wonder.

Like many Americans, I was fed this story when I was growing up. But as I watched the video, I began to realize that all was not as it seemed. And the more I questioned the official story, the deeper into the rabbit hole I went.

Presented here are some of the results of my soul-searching regarding this painful event. Like many citizens, I have many questions that I would like answered: was the mighty Imperial government really too incompetent to prevent a handful of untrained nerf-herders from destroying one of their most prized assets? Or are they hiding something from us? Who was really behind the attack? Why did they want the Death Star destroyed? No matter what the answers, we have a problem.

Below is a summary of my book, Uncomfortable Questions: An Analysis of the Death Star Attack, which presents compelling evidence that we all may be the victims of a fraud of immense proportions.


Conspiracy Theorists Eat Humble Pie

March 17, 2007

A friend in need’s a friend indeed
A friend with weed is better
A friend with breasts and all the rest
A friend who’s dressed in leather – PLACEBO

(Conspiracy Nation, 03/15/07) – Conspiracy theorists have been made to eat humble pie, consequent to the air-tight confession of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed (image, left).

Previously, the theorists had doubted the official version of the events of September 11, 2001. They had trouble believing 19 Arabs with box-cutter knives could have defeated U.S. air defenses. But with Khalid’s confession that he did it, the conspiracy theorists have been forced to throw in the towel.

I might as well get rid of all my conspiracy books now,” stated one theorist. “I guess I’ll study accounting instead.”

Besides being responsible for the terror events of 9/11, Khalid admitted to guilt for the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, the Bali nightclub bombing, and for planned attacks on Big Ben, Henry Kissinger, and Santa Claus.

And what about the JFK assassination? “Yes, I shot Kennedy also,” revealed Khalid. “I also murdered Nicole Brown Simpson.”

Khalid’s air-tight confession has sent shock waves through the community of conspiracy theorists. “Well, that’s that,” stated the editor of Conspiracy Nation. “There goes our wonderful cottage industry, where we were making so much money. Might as well fold up the tent and join the Republican Party now.”

Conspiracy Nation

Marijuana Odor Didn’t Justify Search Without a Warrant

March 11, 2007


Marijuana Odor Didn’t Justify Search Without a Warrant

SALT LAKE CITY (AP) — The odor of burning marijuana didn’t justify a search of a central Utah trailer without a warrant, the Utah Supreme Court said Friday.

Police officers broke through the door of a trailer in Carbon County in April 2003 because they believed the suspects were eliminating evidence by smoking it. The court, however, said there was no sign that Bernadette Duran knew authorities were around.

“Most significantly, there is no indication that the law enforcement officers engaged in any effort, much less a reasonable one, to reconcile their … needs with the demands of personal privacy,” the court said in a 4-1 decision.

The Supreme Court upheld a ruling by the Utah Court of Appeals. The case originated with a judge in 7th District Court in Price, who had refused to throw out evidence. Police seized guns and drugs.

“Oh, hallelujah,” Duran’s attorney, Samuel B. Bailey, said. “This is good news.”

Duran and three other defendants pleaded guilty to drug charges, although her conviction was conditional and thrown out after the appeals court declared the seizure illegal, Bailey said.

He had feared the Supreme Court would rule against Duran, giving police more authority and diminishing privacy rights.

The ruling “will change things,” Bailey predicted. “They pay attention, officers do. They read the case law and they know when they get overturned.”

The dissenter on Utah’s highest court was Associate Chief Justice Michael Wilkins, who said “this was not a close call” that would require a search warrant.

“Protecting the rights of citizens does not necessarily require the handcuffing of police,” he wrote.

The Utah Attorney General’s Office, which took the case to the Supreme Court, did not return a phone call seeking comment.

In the decision written by Justice Ronald Nehring, the majority expressed concern that police might feel empowered to enter a house to check if minors were drinking alcohol or search an 18-year-old for cigarettes, both without warrants.

(Copyright 2007 by The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.)

The Libby shield – Bob Geiger

March 11, 2007


Anna Nicole Smith murdered? Questions remain

February 14, 2007


You’ve no doubt been caught in the media’s miasma of sensationalization. Their orgy of recrminiations and fingers pointed, obliquely or not, is mostly a distraction. But there might be some truth to the whispers that she was murdered. It should not go without notice that there is a billion dollar inheritance at stake.

As usual, Rigorous Intuition is on top of things, including the frightening comparisons to Marylin Monroe. It’s dangerous to be a hot blonde…

A week before her death, Monroe spent a weekend at Lake Tahoe’s Cal-Neva Lodge as a doped-up plush-toy of owners Frank Sinatra and Sam Giancana. Later, friend Ralph Roberts said Monroe described it as a “nightmare,” and that she’d felt more like a prisoner than a guest. Photographer Billy Woodfield, who’d worked with both Monroe and Sinatra, told Wolfe that Sinatra gave him a roll of film from the weekend to develop: “In his darkroom the photographer was shocked to see that the photos were of an unconscious Marilyn Monroe being sexually abused in the presence of Sam Giancana and Sinatra. Marilyn had been drugged in order for the compromising photos to be taken.” Woodfield advised Sinatra to burn them.

Drugs, mind-control, assassination, rape and blackmail. What a wonderful world we live in. Sinatra was protected from on high, much like Johnny Fontaine in the Godfather, so this doesn’t sound too out of character for him. He wants a fine piece of ass, so all he has to do is pick one from the pages of People magazine. His goons get the drugs and the dame and the rest is a party, if that’s what you’d call it.

The death of Anna Nicole’s son, Daniel, seemed very suspicious to me (removing the heirs?). I think we have to look at the obvious suspects in this case (which the police seem reluctant to do): She made a lot of enemies for marrying J. Howard Marshall a little over a year before his death. The complex court case involving the Marshall family’s efforts to deny Anna Nicole a slice of that billion dollar payout got dirty fast. After a recent Supreme Court ruling in her favor I think it’s foolish to ignore the obvious suspects in our midst. E. Pierce Marshall is dead, but no doubt somebody else is controlling the family now. The question is “who?” and how far will they go to maintain their fortune?

The E. coli Free Market

January 1, 2007

The E. Coli outbreak is caused by the deregualtion and mass production of food by corporate agriculture’s economies of scale.

By Joel Bleifuss


The origin of the recent outbreak is thought to be cattle that are fed a grain-based diet—more precisely the manure they produce. As researchers at Cornell University discovered in 1998, cows that graze or eat hay, as nature intended, do not produce the pathogen in their stomach.

The real culprit, in this case, is corporate agriculture, which uses economies of scale to mass produce food. And while the consumer may benefit in the form of lower prices, America’s agricultural communities bear the brunt of this consolidation.


George “mini-me” Bush

November 14, 2006

Newsweek is the latest major media outlet to repeat the falsehood that the 2006 election was an endorsement of conservatism. The latest Newsweek cover story notes:


The American people, as politicians like to say, spoke last week – and spoke in no uncertain terms. The 2006 vote does not suggest an eagerness for a sharp left turn. It seems, rather, to be a plea for a shift from the hard right of the neoconservatives to the center represented by the old man in Houston [President George H. W. Bush].

The “centrist” ideas “represented” by former President Bush are actually progressive ideas put forward over a year ago. Media reports indicate that the James Baker-led Iraq Study Group will call for (1) a phased drawdown of U.S. troops from Iraq and (2) a diplomatic initiative to engage Iraq’s regional neighbors to help calm ethnic tensions. The Center for American Progress advanced these very steps over a year ago in its Strategic Redeployment plan.

It’s also worth noting that former President Bush publicly backed his son’s Iraq policy prior to the war. Two months before the invasion, Bush 41 said “someone needs to step forward to hold Saddam to account. And the United States, led by our president, is prepared to do just that.” True, some former Bush advisers have opposed the war since the beginning. Yet others, like Colin Powell, were among the most prominent public advocates.

Can’t say I missed work, Bobs

November 14, 2006


Absenteeism in U.S. workplace hits highest level in years
Workers are taking more unscheduled days off as bosses struggle to curb the practice.

Associated Press

Skipping work without good reason? You have lots of company.

Unscheduled absenteeism at U.S. companies and organizations has climbed to its highest level since 1999, according to results of a recent nationwide survey of human resource executives in U.S. companies and organizations.

The survey, conducted for CCH by the Harris Interactive consulting firm, put the U.S. absenteeism rate at 2.5 percent in 2006, up from 2.3 percent a year ago and the highest since seven years ago when it was 2.7 percent.

It found that personal illness accounts for only 35 percent of unscheduled absences, with the rest due to family issues (24 percent), personal needs (18 percent), stress (12 percent) and entitlement mentality (11 percent).


cock sucken Anti-Gay Evangelical Leader Resigns After Accusations of Gay Affair

November 3, 2006


Ted Haggard, one of the most prominent and politically powerful evangelical pastors in the country, resigned today as president of the 30-million-member National Association of Evangelicals “amid allegations that he carried on a three-year sexual relationship with a male prostitute.” (Details HERE.) The AP reports:

Haggard…also stepped down as senior pastor at his 14,000-member New Life Church pending an investigation by a church panel, saying he could “not continue to minister under the cloud created by the accusations.”

“I am voluntarily stepping aside from leadership so that the overseer process can be allowed to proceed with integrity,” Haggard said in a written statement. “I hope to be able to discuss this matter in more detail at a later date. In the interim, I will seek both spiritual advice and guidance.”

The former prostitute who made the accusations, Mike Jones, also today showed the Denver Post letters and voicemails allegedly sent by Haggard:

Jones says he was contacted three years ago by Haggard for sex – he thinks through a gay newspaper advertisement or an online ad he posted on

Today, Jones showed the Denver Post an envelope addressed to him from “Art,” a name Jones says Haggard used – sent from an address in Colorado Springs. Jones said the envelope came to him with two $100 bills inside.

Jones also played a recording of a voicemail left for Jones from “Art.” Jones refused to reveal what the topic of the voicemail was about because there could be legal problems and he wants to consult with an attorney.

Haggard has called homosexuality a “sin” and “devastating for the children of our nation and for the future of Western civilization.”

never trust the most powerfull country in the world to an ivy league male cheerleader

November 1, 2006